It was November 14th one year ago....that I had the worst day of my life.
It was this day one year ago that we lost our first pregnancy...
On that day one year ago....I felt so alone...so empty...so betrayed by my body...and it was hard to believe at the time that I could ever heal from something so devistating.
I remember the bleeding that accompanied the miscarriage....it was a constant reminder of how my body failed me....I hated the bleeding....but the part that hurt the worst (not physically) was when I actually 'passed' the pregnancy....I was in the bathtub...I remember....my husband was in the bathroom...we had just gotten back from an ultrasound that showed we would be miscarrying anytime...as the baby had no heartbeat...I remember looking down in the tub...and seeing 'it'....I saw but couldn't bring myself to look....I screamed at my husband IS THAT WHAT I THINK IT IS?!?!?!?!?!
We both knew what the mass was.....he kindly scooped it up.....and didn't make me look at it.....he wrapped it up in some tissues I remember that.....and 'pieces' kept coming out for about a half an hour....until it was just blood.....I bleed for a couple weeks....I remember crying so hard....I thought I would pass out....I couldn't beleive how horribly mad I was at my body. I was in such agony over the loss....
We wanted that baby....I remember feeling like such an idiot for telling our family we were pregnant....I later came to realize it was actually a good thing...because all the family I had told were the same ones who were right there for me when I needed them.
Today one year later....I'm happy to be expecting a little baby any day now...and time has healed the bitter feeling I had towards my body.
It was this day one year ago that we lost our first pregnancy...
On that day one year ago....I felt so alone...so empty...so betrayed by my body...and it was hard to believe at the time that I could ever heal from something so devistating.
I remember the bleeding that accompanied the miscarriage....it was a constant reminder of how my body failed me....I hated the bleeding....but the part that hurt the worst (not physically) was when I actually 'passed' the pregnancy....I was in the bathtub...I remember....my husband was in the bathroom...we had just gotten back from an ultrasound that showed we would be miscarrying anytime...as the baby had no heartbeat...I remember looking down in the tub...and seeing 'it'....I saw but couldn't bring myself to look....I screamed at my husband IS THAT WHAT I THINK IT IS?!?!?!?!?!
We both knew what the mass was.....he kindly scooped it up.....and didn't make me look at it.....he wrapped it up in some tissues I remember that.....and 'pieces' kept coming out for about a half an hour....until it was just blood.....I bleed for a couple weeks....I remember crying so hard....I thought I would pass out....I couldn't beleive how horribly mad I was at my body. I was in such agony over the loss....
We wanted that baby....I remember feeling like such an idiot for telling our family we were pregnant....I later came to realize it was actually a good thing...because all the family I had told were the same ones who were right there for me when I needed them.
Today one year later....I'm happy to be expecting a little baby any day now...and time has healed the bitter feeling I had towards my body.
2 Comments:
Hugs from me Brooke. Glad to hear your are still cooking this baby.
I'm so glad this year brings much happier memories that last year. Miscarriage is a very hard thing to go through. It's hard to get over the feeling of betrayal by our bodies.
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